Random Harry Potter Jokes
by The Wicked One 22
Summary: These are jokes that came to mind while watching the Harry Potter movies... Rated M for language
1. Chapter 1

**This is the perfect conversation between a random teenage girl and Voldemort.**

Girl: Hello? Who are you?

Voldy: I'm am THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD IN THE WORLD! Well... besides that one nuisance boy... but that's besides the point...

Girl: You silly man! Have you been playing to much Dungeons and Dragons? Wizards don't exist...

Voldy: Of course they do... They are everywhere... You can't know it, but we practically rule the world...

Girl: Is this wanker from some bloody mental hospital?... Why don't you have a nose? Did they cut it off in the institution because you wouldn't stop sniffing drugs?

Voldy: Huh? (doesn't know what the term 'wanker' means... he's too old)

Girl: Haven't I seen you in a movie or something? OMFG! Are you fucking famous? ARE YOU?

Voldy: Hold you tongue! You shall not curse in my presence!

Girl: ? What does Shall mean? Is that an old person word? How old are you?

Voldy: I'm NOT old... It's only been thirteen years...

Girl: Epic Fail...

Voldy: What's that mean?

Girl: It means... Oh nevermind... you're not worth it...

Voldy: I'm worth everything... Can't you just feel the power coming off me in waves... almost like I'm a wet sea and you're just a stick in my depths.

Girl: *Can't breathe... laughing too hard* Thats... *huff* what... *huff* She said... *huff*

Voldy: *Grumbles under breath and leaves room with a huff*

Girl: *tries to speak, but can't...*...*falls on floor... still laughing*

**A FEW MINUTES LATER**

Girl: *realizes he's gone* Oh come on... You've got to admit it was funny!

**A FEW MILES AWAY**

Voldy: *arrives at new apartment and walks in door* Shit! I forgot to pick up milk!


	2. Chapter 2

**This is a random conversation between the lord Voldemort, Harry Potter, and Tom Riddle's grandmother.**

Voldy: *In line at the supermarket with his granny, picking up some groceries* *suddenly hisses between clenched teeth*

Granny V:*looks around frantically* What? Who is it? What's wrong? Are we being robbed?

Voldy: *rolls eyes* No, GranGran... It's just... my mortal enemy is the cashier...

Granny V: *settles down* O... That's ok... Just ignore him... Let me handle this... *looks at cashier* he's kinda cute for an enemy... did you meet him in Magic School.. or wherever it is you went...

Voldy: It was Hogwarts, GranGran... And no... I met him when he almost killed me.

Granny V: *moves forward in line... points at the soda machine on the other side of the small grocery store* go and get me a drink... you can get one for yourself if you'd like

Voldy: *glad to get away from any situation with Harry* Ok! *walks slowly away*

Granny V: *moves forward and starts placing groceries on the check-out belt... steps up to speak with the cashier* Hello... Do you take credit or debit?

Harry: *looks at the old lady* Neither... We only take cash or check... *looks at her again...* you look kinda familiar.

Granny V: Yes... *opens huge (bottomless pit charm) purse* you seem to have almost killed my grandson a few times... *starts digging for checkbook*

Harry: umm... *taps finger against chin* who's your grandson? Wait... * he looks closely* Does he have your nose (or lack thereof)?

Granny V: *still digging* ahh... so you know him?

Voldy:*walks slowly still not even at soda machine yet*

Harry: I think so... what's his name... *rings up last of groceries* Voldemort?

Granny V: *still searching* that's him.

Voldy: *arrives at soda machine and pulls out perfectly unlined dollar... crumples up dollar and tries to feed it to machine... curses when it won't take it*

Harry: *waits patiently*

Granny V:*finds checkbook, but before Harry can give her a price, Voldy shows back up.*

Harry: *acts surprised* Voldemort!

Voldy: *acts surprised* Harry?

Harry: *shifts uncomfortably* umm...

Voldy: so...

Harry: You still living with your granny?

Voldy: Whaddya do? Drop out of college? Can't get a good job?

Harry: *glowers* Wanker

Voldy: Huh? (still doesn't know what 'wanker' means)

Harry: *snickers*

Voldy: You bloody...!ow!

Granny V: *finishes writing check without losing her new grip on Voldy's ear... Smiles at Harry and hands him check* Thank you, dear! * takes groceries in one hand and walks out to the parking lot pulling Voldy behind her... she finally let's go of his ear... * dont fight with a cashier! Why would you-... oh nevermind... What's 'wanker' mean?


	3. Chapter 3

**A random conversation between Voldmort and his (perfectly human) wife.**

Voldy: *in the shower* honey?

Mrs. V: *doing her makeup in the mirror by the shower door* what do you want?

Voldy: just wondering where you were...

Mrs. V: why?

Voldy: *shrugs* no reason... why are you so grumpy?

Mrs. V: What? I'm NOT grumpy!... iF I am it's because someone won't have sex with me...

Voldy: That's not my fault... I was born without a penis... I was castrated maybe...I'm not sure...

Mrs. V: You're such a wanker sometimes...

Voldy: WTF! What does 'wanker' mean? Everyone says it! *stomps foot, but lands on soap and ends up falling on arse in the shower.*

**Sorry this one's so short, but it's like two in the morning and i didn't get any sleep last night either... watch for the next one... Voldy's gonna hear his first Kesha song!...wanker...**


End file.
